I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
