i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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