mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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