i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
