This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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