i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
