Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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