finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
