At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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