Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He shit in the fireplace
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
