I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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