I think I died a long time ago.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
