Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
