So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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