what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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