dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
