and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
