She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
