based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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