Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
