I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
