Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
