god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
