U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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