No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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