Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
