i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
