Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
