Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
did i just pee glitter
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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