do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
