I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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