Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
