That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
