Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
