listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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