so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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