the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
