never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
