He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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