Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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