im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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