Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
