Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
