Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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