I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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