My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
