did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
