I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
