my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
