I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
