i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
