It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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