Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
