All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
