just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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