I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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