Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
