I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
